More Awe Than Irony.

I hear people talk a lot about Church.

I will be blatantly honest with you, I don't know exactly what Church is.  I mean, I do.  I was raised in the ELCA Lutheran Church.  We went on some Sundays as a family, some weeks just to Sunday School and some not at all as my Dad 'pretended' Mom didn't know we were getting McDonald's breakfast instead of sitting in our lessons.  As I got older we went to more progressive Saturday night Church and I was in fact married by my favorite Lutheran Pastor. 

I guess what I mean is, I know what a physical Church is but I also know it is a whole lot bigger than four walls on a Sunday morning.

Today my husband and I went to the Hardware Store.  A habit learned from my parents growing up.  See we didn't have Menards or any other big retailer near, but we did have the stores where they knew my dad and greeted us by name.  We wandered the aisles of worn, cracked, beige linoleum over cement in a place that smelled like lawn fertilizer, dust and paint.  When you looked out through the front windows dust specs sparkled in the light.  I loved everything about it.  The smells, the voices, the people, the learning.  

So as we walked through the door today and I smelled those familiar, almost heart pinchingly nostalgic smells, my heart swelled.  I smiled.  I was so happy - no almost giddy.  We got a wheelbarrow.  And a weed puller.  A new quart of paint for the front door.  Plant fertilizer.  And as I left I realized how at peace I felt.  So  happy and emotional and full of life and joy.  It was the feeling I felt when I walked into a church to hundreds of bodies singing a single song in unison.  The tingle as the congregation falls silent and there are those two seconds of absolute calm before the Pastor speaks.  The feeling that I understand something, it actually is all ok for a moment and I don't have to worry.  

I realized in that moment, the Hardware Store is one of my Churches.  

To be honest there are a few more places I feel like this.  A spring afternoon mowing my lawn with my daughters playing in the yard.  Painting the patio hearing the neighbors talking on their deck and smelling a grill, a fire, fresh mowed grass.  My parents house.  Sitting.  Just sitting and looking at such beauty and absolute splendor that it makes me cry and I feel too embarrassed and inadequate to explain why.

As we left the store today, I looked at Adam and said 'I really am just like my Dad, aren't I?' To which he said with more awe than irony, "yes and I will never believe that is anything but a good thing."

Jillian

Influenster Vox Box

So awhile  back I joined an app called Influenster! I was lucky enough to receive a #pureleafhomebrew box which is my favorite tea.
Every time my bestirs come over they ask me to make my infamous tea. This last time I made them the new black tea with vanilla and they LOVED it.
Thank you for giving me the chance to try and review these!
*I received these products feee but my opinion is my own*

grateful: the feeling or showing of appreciation or kindness; thankful.

I wish I could say I was better at this, being grateful that is.  I have to be honest, sometimes its hard.  The world bears down on you every damn day and tells you 'it's too much...no one cares...' Grateful sometimes is hard.
So what am I grateful for?...

• Being taught the invaluable life lessons of damn hard work, unconditional love, the importance of always being present and power tools.  Thank you Mom and Dad.
• The opportunity to work with a Mentor who taught me that it's not about me.  It's about servant leadership, every day.  Thank you Shauna.
• The sister that came from years in the trenches, side by side, every day, working until we didn't even have the energy to walk to our own cars.  Knowing that she believes in my abilities, sometimes even more than I do and that she always 'gets' me.  Thank you Toni.
• The best friend that has kept my sanity in tact for the last two very long years.  Through sick babies, sick me, sad, tired, broken and well she has made sure my heart is ok everyday.  Thank you Mary Kay.
• The men who broke my heart when I was young, not so young, dreamy eyed, hardened, quick to love and a bit naive.  You taught me that it indeed goes on.  Thank you.
• The gift of being a mother.  Every day.  The mixture of insanity, heaven, hell and absolute bliss all at the same time coming from two sets of beautiful blue eyes is more than I ever deserve. Thank you.

There is so much more so so so much more.

I'm not ready.

I got a call from my Mom an hour ago.  My grandmother, her mother, is now unresponsive after going to hospice Monday.  All I could think is 'I'm not ready.'

I know it probably sounds horridly selfish to say, but I'm not prepared.  I am not old enough for people I love to leave, I'm not strong enough to see my family die.  I'm not brave enough to look past here to the next adventure.  I'm not ready to live in a reality where 55 years of love, fights, babies and an unbreakably intertwined life is broken.  I'm not ready to see my Grandfathers face knowing his only love has gone.  I'm not ready.

I'm not prepared to go to her house and feel like a child again knowing she won't be there.  I'm not ready to see others in pain.  I am selfish and that is the truth.

I am ready for her to not suffer.  I am ready for Grace to swoop in and envelop everyone who loved her and soften the blow.  I am ready for my Grandmother, and not cancer, to win as she slips away to those who have loved her so and gone before.  I am ready to tell my daughters her story.  I am ready
to hug my Mother and tell her it will be different, but ok.

I have thought long and hard about adventures in the last few weeks.  As I am sitting on a patio listening to music, sitting on a boat on a quiet lake, driving with my windows down, or just watching my daughters play I have thought about adventures.  My saddest moment was knowing that she would have no more adventures here.  No more quiet mornings at the table, road trips to spend time with dear loved family, no more grandbaby snuggles or worries about the weather.  And then I realized with astounding simplicity, she will have new adventures.  A book I love describes
'that this life is a "boot camp" for the next, which is called "service," and that finally in the third life are the rewards.' If that is true then her adventures will continue and in the end the rewards will be great, even greater than the joys here and now.

I can't stop time or tomorrow or change or death or the weather.  I can't fix it I can't change it I can't wish it away.  The very best I can do is be brave and honor my Grandmothers life by telling her stories and by letting joy seep in knowing all is not lost, her travels have only just begun.

It's been over a year since I've written a damn blog?  Go figure!  Follow through is not my best strength....
Anyway, things that have been on my mind in the last year:

• Men and women are complex, horrible and wonderful creatures with a penchant to produce both happiness and pain for each other at a moments notice.
• Babies, especially two at once, make it difficult to read a book.  Ever.
• Sleep truly is optional and when faced with a gross lack of you can legally hallucinate and feel as though you're dying at the same time.
• Jobs really are the devil.  Really.  
• Love is ridiculous and fleeting and awesome and a god damned train wreck.  So are marriages.  How we survive either is far beyond my area of expertise.
• Driving fast causes me high levels of enjoyment.
• The closer to the goal {like finishing my god forsaken Masters Degree} the more internal resistance produced.  Hello procrastination, we're old friends and bedmates.
• Pre-baby bodies are always 200x better than post-baby bodies.  Bitches {and by bitches I mean dear lady friends} love that body of yours before it looks like a stretched out dried up rubber band!
• Men are best when they are men.  By that I mean men men.  None of this crying baby emo bullshit take care of me be my mom and wash my skinny jeans bullshit.  I mean dudes that chop down trees, fix cars, get dirty, talk dirty, have big hands, broad shoulders and a penchant for no bullshit.  These baby girl men can suck my dick because I feel assured that mine is no doubt bigger than theirs.

That is all <3

My loves too big for you my love...

Last night it hit me hard that you're getting so big. It's hard as a Mom to see you grow so quickly as I know what happens next. My little Charleigh is working on rolling and my baby Hadleigh is trying to sit up. You are such sweet babies and wake up smiling....always.
You are my greatest loves,
Mommy

Well that was a surprise!

We went in for our weekly Perinatal check yesterday and once again the girls passed with flying colors!  The Sonographer was new to Perinatal and it took her a bit to get all of the girls measurements and stats (in fact it took her two ultrasounds...it's ok, though, its hard being new!)  Their amniotic fluid is great, their reflexes and movements are above standards, they're 'practicing' their breathing and their heart rates are great.  After a longer than normal BPP and NST due to our new tech we finally saw the Perinatalogist.  She said the girls are doing great for 33 weeks and I have no signs of labor...in fact not really even many Braxton Hicks Contractions.  These girls are entrenched!  We asked the doctor if she was still feeling confident about being able to go 40 weeks and that is where the surprise came in...they do not let known identicals go beyond 37 weeks!  So...due date has been moved forward to September 22nd...eek!  Appointments are now 2x weekly until they come and if growth is not what they want on their September 8th check we will be having them on the 9th.  SO...we thought we had almost 2 months left and now discover it is potentially 2 weeks --> 4 weeks max until they make their appearance.  OVERWHELMING!  The good news, though, is at this point if the girls came they wouldn't have to be in the NICU and would probably only have to stay and extra day or two in the hospital.  Because of their weight and number of weeks we are pretty much out of the danger zone for most things except lung development.
The other hard part is that my level of discomfort has increased almost tenfold.  I sleep about 2 hours a night and have alot of ligament and back pain.  Hoping this is a good sign, though, as this hopefully means they're growing growing growing.  Fat babies are our goal! 
Overall we are mostly ready for them to get here!  My Mom is coming next Friday and staying for a week and then they will be back after the girls are born.  Hopefully with her help I can finally feel 'ready' for them to come and not so overwhelmed!
Lots of love to all!  <3