grateful: the feeling or showing of appreciation or kindness; thankful.

I wish I could say I was better at this, being grateful that is.  I have to be honest, sometimes its hard.  The world bears down on you every damn day and tells you 'it's too much...no one cares...' Grateful sometimes is hard.
So what am I grateful for?...

• Being taught the invaluable life lessons of damn hard work, unconditional love, the importance of always being present and power tools.  Thank you Mom and Dad.
• The opportunity to work with a Mentor who taught me that it's not about me.  It's about servant leadership, every day.  Thank you Shauna.
• The sister that came from years in the trenches, side by side, every day, working until we didn't even have the energy to walk to our own cars.  Knowing that she believes in my abilities, sometimes even more than I do and that she always 'gets' me.  Thank you Toni.
• The best friend that has kept my sanity in tact for the last two very long years.  Through sick babies, sick me, sad, tired, broken and well she has made sure my heart is ok everyday.  Thank you Mary Kay.
• The men who broke my heart when I was young, not so young, dreamy eyed, hardened, quick to love and a bit naive.  You taught me that it indeed goes on.  Thank you.
• The gift of being a mother.  Every day.  The mixture of insanity, heaven, hell and absolute bliss all at the same time coming from two sets of beautiful blue eyes is more than I ever deserve. Thank you.

There is so much more so so so much more.

I'm not ready.

I got a call from my Mom an hour ago.  My grandmother, her mother, is now unresponsive after going to hospice Monday.  All I could think is 'I'm not ready.'

I know it probably sounds horridly selfish to say, but I'm not prepared.  I am not old enough for people I love to leave, I'm not strong enough to see my family die.  I'm not brave enough to look past here to the next adventure.  I'm not ready to live in a reality where 55 years of love, fights, babies and an unbreakably intertwined life is broken.  I'm not ready to see my Grandfathers face knowing his only love has gone.  I'm not ready.

I'm not prepared to go to her house and feel like a child again knowing she won't be there.  I'm not ready to see others in pain.  I am selfish and that is the truth.

I am ready for her to not suffer.  I am ready for Grace to swoop in and envelop everyone who loved her and soften the blow.  I am ready for my Grandmother, and not cancer, to win as she slips away to those who have loved her so and gone before.  I am ready to tell my daughters her story.  I am ready
to hug my Mother and tell her it will be different, but ok.

I have thought long and hard about adventures in the last few weeks.  As I am sitting on a patio listening to music, sitting on a boat on a quiet lake, driving with my windows down, or just watching my daughters play I have thought about adventures.  My saddest moment was knowing that she would have no more adventures here.  No more quiet mornings at the table, road trips to spend time with dear loved family, no more grandbaby snuggles or worries about the weather.  And then I realized with astounding simplicity, she will have new adventures.  A book I love describes
'that this life is a "boot camp" for the next, which is called "service," and that finally in the third life are the rewards.' If that is true then her adventures will continue and in the end the rewards will be great, even greater than the joys here and now.

I can't stop time or tomorrow or change or death or the weather.  I can't fix it I can't change it I can't wish it away.  The very best I can do is be brave and honor my Grandmothers life by telling her stories and by letting joy seep in knowing all is not lost, her travels have only just begun.

It's been over a year since I've written a damn blog?  Go figure!  Follow through is not my best strength....
Anyway, things that have been on my mind in the last year:

• Men and women are complex, horrible and wonderful creatures with a penchant to produce both happiness and pain for each other at a moments notice.
• Babies, especially two at once, make it difficult to read a book.  Ever.
• Sleep truly is optional and when faced with a gross lack of you can legally hallucinate and feel as though you're dying at the same time.
• Jobs really are the devil.  Really.  
• Love is ridiculous and fleeting and awesome and a god damned train wreck.  So are marriages.  How we survive either is far beyond my area of expertise.
• Driving fast causes me high levels of enjoyment.
• The closer to the goal {like finishing my god forsaken Masters Degree} the more internal resistance produced.  Hello procrastination, we're old friends and bedmates.
• Pre-baby bodies are always 200x better than post-baby bodies.  Bitches {and by bitches I mean dear lady friends} love that body of yours before it looks like a stretched out dried up rubber band!
• Men are best when they are men.  By that I mean men men.  None of this crying baby emo bullshit take care of me be my mom and wash my skinny jeans bullshit.  I mean dudes that chop down trees, fix cars, get dirty, talk dirty, have big hands, broad shoulders and a penchant for no bullshit.  These baby girl men can suck my dick because I feel assured that mine is no doubt bigger than theirs.

That is all <3