I know it probably sounds horridly selfish to say, but I'm not prepared. I am not old enough for people I love to leave, I'm not strong enough to see my family die. I'm not brave enough to look past here to the next adventure. I'm not ready to live in a reality where 55 years of love, fights, babies and an unbreakably intertwined life is broken. I'm not ready to see my Grandfathers face knowing his only love has gone. I'm not ready.
I'm not prepared to go to her house and feel like a child again knowing she won't be there. I'm not ready to see others in pain. I am selfish and that is the truth.
I am ready for her to not suffer. I am ready for Grace to swoop in and envelop everyone who loved her and soften the blow. I am ready for my Grandmother, and not cancer, to win as she slips away to those who have loved her so and gone before. I am ready to tell my daughters her story. I am ready
to hug my Mother and tell her it will be different, but ok.
I have thought long and hard about adventures in the last few weeks. As I am sitting on a patio listening to music, sitting on a boat on a quiet lake, driving with my windows down, or just watching my daughters play I have thought about adventures. My saddest moment was knowing that she would have no more adventures here. No more quiet mornings at the table, road trips to spend time with dear loved family, no more grandbaby snuggles or worries about the weather. And then I realized with astounding simplicity, she will have new adventures. A book I love describes
'that this life is a "boot camp" for the next, which is called "service," and that finally in the third life are the rewards.' If that is true then her adventures will continue and in the end the rewards will be great, even greater than the joys here and now.
I can't stop time or tomorrow or change or death or the weather. I can't fix it I can't change it I can't wish it away. The very best I can do is be brave and honor my Grandmothers life by telling her stories and by letting joy seep in knowing all is not lost, her travels have only just begun.
