grateful: the feeling or showing of appreciation or kindness; thankful.

I wish I could say I was better at this, being grateful that is.  I have to be honest, sometimes its hard.  The world bears down on you every damn day and tells you 'it's too much...no one cares...' Grateful sometimes is hard.
So what am I grateful for?...

• Being taught the invaluable life lessons of damn hard work, unconditional love, the importance of always being present and power tools.  Thank you Mom and Dad.
• The opportunity to work with a Mentor who taught me that it's not about me.  It's about servant leadership, every day.  Thank you Shauna.
• The sister that came from years in the trenches, side by side, every day, working until we didn't even have the energy to walk to our own cars.  Knowing that she believes in my abilities, sometimes even more than I do and that she always 'gets' me.  Thank you Toni.
• The best friend that has kept my sanity in tact for the last two very long years.  Through sick babies, sick me, sad, tired, broken and well she has made sure my heart is ok everyday.  Thank you Mary Kay.
• The men who broke my heart when I was young, not so young, dreamy eyed, hardened, quick to love and a bit naive.  You taught me that it indeed goes on.  Thank you.
• The gift of being a mother.  Every day.  The mixture of insanity, heaven, hell and absolute bliss all at the same time coming from two sets of beautiful blue eyes is more than I ever deserve. Thank you.

There is so much more so so so much more.

I'm not ready.

I got a call from my Mom an hour ago.  My grandmother, her mother, is now unresponsive after going to hospice Monday.  All I could think is 'I'm not ready.'

I know it probably sounds horridly selfish to say, but I'm not prepared.  I am not old enough for people I love to leave, I'm not strong enough to see my family die.  I'm not brave enough to look past here to the next adventure.  I'm not ready to live in a reality where 55 years of love, fights, babies and an unbreakably intertwined life is broken.  I'm not ready to see my Grandfathers face knowing his only love has gone.  I'm not ready.

I'm not prepared to go to her house and feel like a child again knowing she won't be there.  I'm not ready to see others in pain.  I am selfish and that is the truth.

I am ready for her to not suffer.  I am ready for Grace to swoop in and envelop everyone who loved her and soften the blow.  I am ready for my Grandmother, and not cancer, to win as she slips away to those who have loved her so and gone before.  I am ready to tell my daughters her story.  I am ready
to hug my Mother and tell her it will be different, but ok.

I have thought long and hard about adventures in the last few weeks.  As I am sitting on a patio listening to music, sitting on a boat on a quiet lake, driving with my windows down, or just watching my daughters play I have thought about adventures.  My saddest moment was knowing that she would have no more adventures here.  No more quiet mornings at the table, road trips to spend time with dear loved family, no more grandbaby snuggles or worries about the weather.  And then I realized with astounding simplicity, she will have new adventures.  A book I love describes
'that this life is a "boot camp" for the next, which is called "service," and that finally in the third life are the rewards.' If that is true then her adventures will continue and in the end the rewards will be great, even greater than the joys here and now.

I can't stop time or tomorrow or change or death or the weather.  I can't fix it I can't change it I can't wish it away.  The very best I can do is be brave and honor my Grandmothers life by telling her stories and by letting joy seep in knowing all is not lost, her travels have only just begun.

It's been over a year since I've written a damn blog?  Go figure!  Follow through is not my best strength....
Anyway, things that have been on my mind in the last year:

• Men and women are complex, horrible and wonderful creatures with a penchant to produce both happiness and pain for each other at a moments notice.
• Babies, especially two at once, make it difficult to read a book.  Ever.
• Sleep truly is optional and when faced with a gross lack of you can legally hallucinate and feel as though you're dying at the same time.
• Jobs really are the devil.  Really.  
• Love is ridiculous and fleeting and awesome and a god damned train wreck.  So are marriages.  How we survive either is far beyond my area of expertise.
• Driving fast causes me high levels of enjoyment.
• The closer to the goal {like finishing my god forsaken Masters Degree} the more internal resistance produced.  Hello procrastination, we're old friends and bedmates.
• Pre-baby bodies are always 200x better than post-baby bodies.  Bitches {and by bitches I mean dear lady friends} love that body of yours before it looks like a stretched out dried up rubber band!
• Men are best when they are men.  By that I mean men men.  None of this crying baby emo bullshit take care of me be my mom and wash my skinny jeans bullshit.  I mean dudes that chop down trees, fix cars, get dirty, talk dirty, have big hands, broad shoulders and a penchant for no bullshit.  These baby girl men can suck my dick because I feel assured that mine is no doubt bigger than theirs.

That is all <3

My loves too big for you my love...

Last night it hit me hard that you're getting so big. It's hard as a Mom to see you grow so quickly as I know what happens next. My little Charleigh is working on rolling and my baby Hadleigh is trying to sit up. You are such sweet babies and wake up smiling....always.
You are my greatest loves,
Mommy

Well that was a surprise!

We went in for our weekly Perinatal check yesterday and once again the girls passed with flying colors!  The Sonographer was new to Perinatal and it took her a bit to get all of the girls measurements and stats (in fact it took her two ultrasounds...it's ok, though, its hard being new!)  Their amniotic fluid is great, their reflexes and movements are above standards, they're 'practicing' their breathing and their heart rates are great.  After a longer than normal BPP and NST due to our new tech we finally saw the Perinatalogist.  She said the girls are doing great for 33 weeks and I have no signs of labor...in fact not really even many Braxton Hicks Contractions.  These girls are entrenched!  We asked the doctor if she was still feeling confident about being able to go 40 weeks and that is where the surprise came in...they do not let known identicals go beyond 37 weeks!  So...due date has been moved forward to September 22nd...eek!  Appointments are now 2x weekly until they come and if growth is not what they want on their September 8th check we will be having them on the 9th.  SO...we thought we had almost 2 months left and now discover it is potentially 2 weeks --> 4 weeks max until they make their appearance.  OVERWHELMING!  The good news, though, is at this point if the girls came they wouldn't have to be in the NICU and would probably only have to stay and extra day or two in the hospital.  Because of their weight and number of weeks we are pretty much out of the danger zone for most things except lung development.
The other hard part is that my level of discomfort has increased almost tenfold.  I sleep about 2 hours a night and have alot of ligament and back pain.  Hoping this is a good sign, though, as this hopefully means they're growing growing growing.  Fat babies are our goal! 
Overall we are mostly ready for them to get here!  My Mom is coming next Friday and staying for a week and then they will be back after the girls are born.  Hopefully with her help I can finally feel 'ready' for them to come and not so overwhelmed!
Lots of love to all!  <3

The best laid plans!

So about 7 weeks ago I decided that I would be blogging weekly (as I don't already have enough on my plate!)...well as you can see my last post was June 18th...ha!  So rather than put parameters around what I should do I figured I'd just go with the flow!

On June 18th I was 23 weeks pregnant and the idea was still pretty new to me!  The first 6 months flew by pretty darn fast.  Mom came to help set up the house, I had already had 2 kidney infections and was starting to feel pretty tired.  After 23 weeks we had a few more surprises in store.

The 4th of July was a fun weekend for me and the husband.  We drove all over including Hudson, Stillwater and even further into Wisconsin (2x!) for fireworks.  We shot more than most professional fireworks displays and spent way to much but it was more fun than we had in awhile!  On the 4th we ended up sneaking into Stillwater at the last minute, double parked the bus and sat right up front for fireworks.  We talked about how this would be the last year that it would all be this 'easy.'  Part of me is sad by that and part excited.  I won't lie, I will miss the ability for us to be so spontaneous but also find  it interesting to think about bringing the girls to these things.  All in all it was the most fun we had in awhile.

Some days it's hard to remember we're still newlyweds!

I ended up having another kidney infection that they found around 27 weeks.  Thankfully they 'diagnosed' it correctly this time so I go the correct antibiotics and finally kicked it...whew!   That behind us and weekly appointments scheduled we started seeing both the OBGYN and Perinatal specialists more than we see each other!

Week 29 gave us our biggest challenge yet.  We found out at our weekly Thursday Perinatal appointment that although heartrate, bloodflow, amniotic fluid, movements, brain activity, mom's blood pressure and weight were all excellent, the little girls were not growing as they should be.  Based on that information as of July 26th I was put on modified bedrest with the hopes that getting me off of my feet from my 60 hour work week would help the babies get more blood and nutrients.  Based on that I decided to drop my second summer semester class to reduce stress and started living the life of veal.  My husband has been amazing even though I have been lonely, feeling useless and a little sad.  Sitting on your rear is NOT as fun as it sounds!

Week 30 came and went still on bedrest but with their second BPP and Non-stress test...which they aced!  We found out that I started having Braxton Hicks Contractions which is pretty normal and the decision was made to talk about returning to work around week 32. 

Week 31 BPP and Non-stress was even better than week 30.  The little girls are practicing their 'breathing' like champs, constantly beating each other up and have awesome blood flow and fluid levels.  We however found out that Momma is the one not doing so hot.  My perinatalogist is not so happy with the OBGYN clinic at this point.  My hemoglobin test at 26 weeks showed my hemoglobin was around 8 g/dl.  Non-pregnant women should be between 12-16 g/dl and pregnant women between 11-12 g/dl.  Hemoglobin moves nutrients and oxygen to tissues and low hemoglobin causes a host of problems.  The perinatologist let me know that a low hemoglobin count can lead to low birthweight babies and other problems for Moms.  Based on this they retested my blood and the new number came back at 6 g/dl.  Basically super low hemoglobin which may be causing the low weight in the girls.  SO....iron supplements 3x a day as well as iron rich foods.  Were hoping the influx of iron will help me feel better and help the little ones grow in the last 8 weeks.  I'm still mad at the OBGYN for not taking action back at week 26 but we can only change things from here on out. 

Tomorrow is our week 32 perinatal appointment.  I was hoping to go back to work on a modified basis after this week based on their weight, but now feeling so run down and unable to sleep I am almost hoping for a continued work reprieve.  All in all things are progressing as well as they can!

We got a new rocker for the girls room, had our 2nd baby shower (thank you everyone who came or sent gifts, we appreciate it very much!) and Mom and I have made a comprehensive baby clothes list trying to fill in missing sizes before they come.  Mom and Dad will be here next week and I couldn't be more excited to spend my days with people!  We only have a few more things to do around the house before it is 'baby ready' as we are definitely in the home stretch!

Whoa Baby!

So...when we found out we were having a baby...and then BABIES...I decided that I would try to blog weekly so I had something to look back on.  That my friends was 7 weeks ago!  So I thought I'd try my hand at this again and see how it goes.

Here's the timeline:

• April 19th we find out we're pregnant!
• April 26th we find out....surprise...you're having 2 babies!
• April 28th we get to see our babies for the first time and find out that we are 16 weeks along already and they think we're having little girls!
• May 6th we see my OBGYN for the first time and talk all about what we have in store (Perinatal appointments, extra checkups, lots of bloodwork and appointments every 2-3 weeks until July and then every 7-10 days)
• May 12th we have ultrasound #2 and they give us a 60% chance we're having two little girls!  Both are healthy and the exact same size (which is odd for twins).  My husband spends the next few weeks praying that one grows boy bits!
• May 19th we have OBGYN appointment #2 and talk nutrition, exercise and potential bedrest.  Our NP Kathy is awesome and waylays our fears.  Our bloodwork comes back clean and healthy telling us the little 'girls' have no indicators of birth defects or genetic abnormalaties.
• May 21st I end up in the hospital.  After making the husband finish his chinese food (heavens knows how long we'd be in the ER and we were starving!) we went to the ER due to severe right flank pain.  After 8 hours we found out that I had a severe UTI/bladder infection.  Little known fact...super common in us preggos.  THIS IS ALSO THE FIRST TIME I FEEL THE BABIES KICK!  <3
• May 25th-June 1st MOM COMES TO VISIT!  We finish the nursery, she made amazing baby bedding and we cleaned and dejunked the house!  Thank heavens for Moms!
• June 2nd we have our first perinatal appointment.  3.5 hours of 'baby mapping' in which they measured and checked every inch of the babes.  We find out that they ARE identical little girls and are perfectly healthy, the exact same size and weight and have no physical abnormalaties!  These measurements will be used going forward to make sure the girls are growing correctly and are healthy little ones.
• June 5th finds us taking ER trip #2....right flank pain again!  After a full run of antibiotics and me telling all of the doctors that I still wasn't feeling ok we go back a second time.  Find out that it is a full blown kidney infection and after a terrible night finally get to go home with super antibiotics. 
• June 8th-11th VEGAS!  The husband left on the 6th for his week long APP conference and I met him on the evening of the 8th.  Quick trip but the last 'vacation' we'll take before the girls make their appearance!
• June 16th Perinatal appointment #2.  The girls are doing awesome, they checked their bloodflow, heartbeats and growth.  They were kicking like mad and Baby B would NOT cooperate for anything! (She seems to be the overactive one while Baby A is super mellow).  We watched them suck their thumbs, wave and kick.  

So far it has been an intense 7 weeks and I feel like I am behind the curve!  Everyone keeps asking if we are ready for them to be here and our response is 'NO!'  We still have alot to prepare for before these two make their appearance and we're not rushing them.  We are excited, scared, nervous and just overall happy to have a perfect little family!